watch me copy you as you copy me: an imitation of an imitation

the title speaks for itself.

whiskey sours for you nothing for me

Is it possible to understand the concept of something so basic that you actually just cannot comprehend it?

Its obvious what you see and what occurs is not always the case.  The almost blind optimistic gesture towards my gaze.  She asked several times if it meant more then that.  As if a subtle gesture, perhaps a slight twitch or a nod would signal the blaringly apparent dispaly of want, at least thats what she wanted to see.  Of course there was no such movement as my head lie on the soothingly cool grey table.

Perhaps I am truly oblivious, however this time im pretty sure I got it right.  

can you spell ridiculous

a place holder of sorts for thoughts that want to get out.

an older piece with some new flair. the artist statement edition.

The work I do is influenced by the small details, from the environments that surround me to the things that make me who I am. These are the details that I tend to latch on to and that drive the work that I produce. When I encounter a new situation or area the first thing I do is get my bearings straight. Obviously how can one function if they are not able to let the intricacies and the quirkiness of the scenario sink in. Plus sometimes it is nice to be able to plan an escape route, of course as a last resort of sorts for those ‘just in case’ type of situations. Every object that is in a room or area culminates to what the place is, what its purpose is. Everything adds up and compliments each other in telling its own unique story.

There is a library that is full of art, books, and oddities of all sorts. Perhaps the walls are adorned by the feverous paintings of several people who loved their art. There is one lone painting that is not attached to the wall. It lies on the floor propped up against the wall. Above the painting is barren piece of wall. To the immediate left and right there are paintings hanging soaking in the lavish glow of the lone light bulb.

These are the type of things I notice and that I am drawn too. What does it mean that the painting is not on the wall? Was it originally hanging up and it fell? Could this scenario be more sinister and perhaps someone tried to vandalize or disliked the particular picture? Maybe it’s a piece that is worthless and forgotten about. Surely you wouldn’t let something that you cherish just stay on the floor while its real home hovered quietly above it.

I cannot ignore these things. The subtle winks that lead to some story that may never be fully explained. Because I am drawn to these things it seems that I tend to utilize the subtle details. I don’t see a reason why photos or images need to be congested with tons of random frivolous things. There is always a focus, so why try to clutter that up? Making it obvious is the only way to allow the viewer to get a hint to the purpose or meaning. People are so dense these days; things need to be pretty and oh so obvious. It is sad that the subtle things go unnoticed and are perceived only as an after thought.

Every piece that I do has a personal tie to myself, a story of sorts. The only question I face is whether or not I want to divulge the story.

my hands are full and my iPhone is in my pocket. Maybe you can get it out for me

There are a few things that I seem to value beyond most.  Of course the expected friends and or family would be mentioned here but that just wouldn't be fitting.  No I rather boast about something a bit more loving and caring.  An object that is a bit more shiny and plastic then an intangible and often indescribable sort of feeling.  I'm sure you can guess what I'm hinting at and I don't seem to have to spell it out for you to get the gist.  Reading comprehension 101 will hopefully serve its purpose, something which lohan obviously lacked while perusing the script for i know who killed me.

It seems that for once a tangible piece of nothingness actually is something that draws them in.  I guess this could be argued over whether this is for better or worse but at the moment the coin flip deems it better.  The only thing more ironic then this phenomena is the practice of friendship.  Although the idea of what draws them is something I might never come to terms with it bothers me that the ones I truly care about I hardly see.  

Those two people will most likely read this blog in some iteration somewhere scattered across the internets.  Its times like now that makes me reevaluate whats really important.  Why is it that I seemingly allow myself to float away from certain people, especially when I consider them some of my best friends?  I don't shy away from hanging out with them when the opportunity displays itself but why is it that I don't seem to ever just take the initiative and make sure that I see someone I care about for more then one yearly visit.

Although at times it may seem to mirror it, this is not jail, nor are there bars on my windows.  I believe the real problem of the matter is that maybe I'm worried that deep down if i did see these people more often they would stop caring about me and quickly realize the mistake in being friends with me.  Then again I am also someone who thinks the alvin and a chipmunks movie is a good idea, so my judgement is obviously a bit lacking at times.  

The point is I am a shitty friend to both of you and I need to fix that.  Maybe then I can at the very least feel like hanging out was fun and not just me being a bore, cause I swear I can be fun.  Also this may just stem from wanting to hang out with your friend again.  

If there was a checklist pertaining to me horrible person would adorn it proudly.

you dont want me im not dead yet

Circumstantial evidence points to all things perhaps changing.

Summer's gone and I lost my shoe. Well actually I'm not johnny gourley nor did I lose a shoe, forgive my wit in utilizing a lyric to start out an otherwise contrived work of non fiction.  Regardless as was predicted at the very end you don't want it to end.  Grasping on to thoughts and people like the straw from the hay pile, desperately trying to clutch before the wind blows them away.  But it is inevitable and all things must come to a close.

Some goodbyes were skipped and some were scorned but they are all appreciated in some way that most will never know.  It's ironic how this summer was the worst summer of my life and yet in retrospect when it is brought up in conversation people seem to sway back in forth in a mesmerized manner, almost wishing they were me.  I guess on the surface the fractured outline of the truth does sound quite promising.  A movie, a video store, the radio, piermont.  All almost unobtainable in thought to achieve in one summer as if the holy grail of some sort of media trifecta was achieved.

Which leads me to the question.  Was piermonts pull perhaps actually a good thing?  As degrading and infuriating one can be while dealing with and understanding the type of people who dwell there I cant seem but get a sense of calming understanding.  Not in any way that makes any sort of relevant or tangible sense.  The people there as a whole still practice their better then everyone attitude coupled with their infectious taste for the grand.  All I know is that worse things could have happened to me this summer then piermont.  The dinosaur cup on my desk is affirmation of that.

parent trap 07

placeholder for the proper time of a thought out blog.

two. not three.

Is it jealousy, pure disdain, or just a constant parallel?

sudoku is pronounced sudoku

There are often many things that I have a tendency to reminisce about. As I sit here on this dirty floor in piermont listening to my pretentious music all I can seem to do is think.

At what point is it truly acceptable to just throw in the towel and give up. Admitting defeat is something that everyone must deal with regardless of how society seems to shun such a thought. In a world where we grow up being dazzled of stories about little triumphant trains that persevered and mocked the idea of ever quitting, what sort of message is truly being taught?

Is not striving or doing everything absolutely in your power to excel and forward the dream really that bad? Failure is something that isn't really taught as much as it is earned. You have to strive and fight in order to get to the point where you can even fail.

Failure is a given. So why is it then that we go to such great lengths in order to avoid what is just inevitable. There is no reason to be that one person childish and naive clutching on to their dreams as if just the hope alone will guide them to safety.

There are only so many things one can do and change in order to achieve some sort of cruel goal. Only so many revisions that can be done while the remainder continues unaffected as a constant.

Maybe its time to truly accept what Ive always known to be true.

Wear the mask you were born with

Can you buy happiness or is that too lofty of a goal for any one person to achieve.  Perhaps it can be achieved and we are all just not privy to the amount it takes to truly relish in such glory.  At what price does the veil of happiness take its toll?

People have tried to evade sadness for countless years. These were evidently the people who set up shop in the mythical land of Piermont.  Just when I thought the tales of such a place couldn't top its on tales, I was proven very wrong.

A rich community coveting their beautiful houses and property that sits perched above a beautiful river front.  Almost like a sickness the people who continue to affirm their place in such a community do so with steady strides towards keeping their sanctuary the same for many generations.  Instilled in their children is a sense of pride, but not in the moral sense of knowing right from wrong and appreciating, no they are brought up to revel in their own glory.  You are only worthy if you grow up there, these are the type of people who cannot coexist with someone of my upbringing without them letting their presence known.  

They are always correct, they are full of themselves, they are true assholes.  Obviously someone who isn't them cannot ever dream to achieve or lavish in the glory that is their own life.  They are the rich, the proud, the ones who break the rules and slyly con it on the lesser.

But there is always a catch, a price for their vanity.  And it seems steep and outrageous to say but they lack their souls.  

They care not for their neighbors, why would they, not one of them is enough to ruin their perfect existence as long as it exists in some sort of form.  No there is no mourning for those who pass away.  When such an occurrence occurs there is no reminiscing, they are merely written off in one line as if they were part of a J.K. Rowling novel. 

They seemingly lose their importance and place in such a community the minute they die.  Their families do not mourn or take solace in their empty homes for some private moments and reflection.  They merely continue on with their life as if nothing had changed, the school bus is still caught the next day and their nails are still done as they would any third Tuesday of the month.  Throwing more money at their own pursuit of happiness.

Their so called happiness is hollow just like you.  The truly sad thing is that maybe they have the right idea.

recital for one

Evidently theres not much worthwhile to say.

I guess the true question that has been risen is not one of knowledge but of heart.  Would things be differently if this summer had not started the way that it did.  The welcome home that wasn't quite as common as was expected.  The immediate push into Piermont with the relentless pull that was too strong for it to be coincidental.

It would be too easy to say that things would be vastly different had the beginning been altered.  No I am not that naive to think that one event managed to not tarnish, but continue the perpetual cycle.  Or did it not matter.  Was I truly expecting anything to be different, perhaps dream for once?  

The truth is that I was never expecting anything to change. Phase two of my yearly cycle was beginning and as usual I had been prepping myself back into that mindset.  Gone were the nights of friends and looming thoughts of attempts failed.  No those get shelved for phase two for the only thing that can exist during this period of time is longing and fear.  A longing for the place that I normally despise.  

The mind is truly an amazing thing that I try to comprehend yet still lack any true understanding.  At one time I will hate and loathe upstate ny.  Their lack of white castle coupled with their insistence on things being named differently always leaves a sour taste in my mouth.  During phase one it is merely a place where I continue to follow my own mistakes while always attempting to 'start a new.'  Pitiful as always.  As the months pass by and the nightmares subside things continue to get darker.  Like clouds gathering for an impending storm I know whats coming and yet no weather balloon like action can seem to stop the inevitable.  I'll hate this place and curse the people who have made me look and regret at who i still am at heart.  Ill yearn for phase two regardless that I'll never truly admit such a thing.  

And then the shift occurs, however unlike usual the transition was not met with any sort of continuity in past years.

But was this truly the event that made things continue to loop without cease?  I am not sure Ill ever be able to affirm with any sort of passion either way on this matter.

Regardless the realization resonates.  I lost a love I'll never have again.

texting a ten word letter

Piermont my muse.  As I sit here piecing together all of the moments from yesterday while discussing my future plans or lack there of with a sixteen year old, i am just not sure how i got to this point exactly.  To say that this summer has been unconventional so far would be an understatement of sorts. 

colour with a u

16. 18. 17.

jail. pseudo ok. pretty sure still jail.

thanks Piermont!

kudos or kayaks; a lesson in stalking

Oh Piermont how you never cease to amaze me.  It seems that the more time I spend there the more oddities seem to emerge.  Who would have thought I would become privy to a tale about not just some internet stalking but full blown im in your bushes watching you live stalking.

Now I as I assume many are guilty of the nefarious but always fun and time consuming past time of estalking.  I cannot claim to be of the highest of calibre; that title is held by a dear friend of mine, never the less I know my way around the internet.  Give me a persons name and im sure to find some sort of connection...usually.

Estalking is all good and fun especially since it is blatantly one sided.  As long as you follow the 'guidelines' and don't cross any boundaries, ie no telling the person you have seen them in their bikini etc, then no harm no foul!  Everyone is happy, one side finding the needed information to fuel the drive for more, the other living blissfully unaware of the evils that happens on the internets.

But no this is just too easy and I guess groundbreaking for some.  These people prefer to keep it old school and stay faithful to their craft.  These are the people who hide in your bushes, but not to steal your internets oh no to watch you undress.

This is apparently the very calibre of people who exist in Piermont.  People or in this case a person who refuses to take no or get the hell out of here as an answer.  No this is just the vindication they need to persevere because dammit they know they will one day win.  Hiding in the bushes seems almost trivial when you become aware that this is the same person who has not only sent verbose love letters to his desires place of work but follows the person around and cuts their food for them.  Yes that is correct cuts their dinner for them, as a nurturing mother would do to their infant this man finds the need to completely baby his infatuation.  Ever so charming and suave.

Diva week.  Is it a vh1 special or another viacom related production. No.  It is the name of the week devoted to his 'love' where he proceeded to give presents every day for a week.  

The point of this entry which seems to be lacking one is that how do these sorts of people exist.  And at what point do we have to place our blame not on the sad soul who lies about living with his mother, but the love interest who continues to perpetuate his advances.  Ive been told that she has been forward with the gentleman but if you really wanted it to stop I feel like you would try just a bit harder instead of toying with someone and their very essence.

I guess when you are rich you can toy with anyone you want.

Impromptu trips to texas

It's quite interesting the lives that people live.  Granted I am not the best judge of things of these matters considering this pertains to people who live in an area that I'm unfamiliar with.  I thought that area was Piermont but I've since learned the error of my ways considering Piermont is no bigger then the one strip of street in which you enter it from.  Somehow on the way it shifts regions into Grandview or is it Nyack; regardless this is where the rich live.  The ridiculous fancy rich whose houses have vast pieces of land with grand views of the hudson and in some cases waterfront pieces of land.  Granted a waterfront property located on the Hudson river is not quite the best idea for those who dream of  cabanas and a quick swim since to put it kindly the river is as dirty as jersey.  

These are the type of people who have houses in long island in conjunction with their lavish homes just cause.  I have never truly understood the idea of a summer home especially when the difference of locale is a scant one hour.  Is the need to be on sand and salty water so much that a trip there and back to your home would be too draining or not enough.  Must days be spent soaking up the sun.  Or is it more of the gloating that comes with saying 'oh I'm going to be away at our summer home for the month...on long island.'  

It is easy to judge people when you only know the bare minimum about them.  Just as it makes it easier to be jealous.  Jealous not of their riches or their life sized cut outs of paris hilton and nicole richie but jealous of their freedom.  Usually people of the wealthy sort seem to appreciate things such as art and the like more freely.  I guess this would stem from them being bored and wanting to throw their money at something in order to create something that is in their mind worth substance and shows just how dedicated and hard working they can be. Its this freedom in that maybe in that sort of scenario, going to school and coming out with piece of paper that boldly states art* wouldn't bother me as much as it does now.  For the most part my choice is accepted but I still have my own personal doubts.  Personal doubts in that I know this is not truly what I will end up doing and that that piece of paper will not be a sigh of relief or an ends to a mean.  

*now renamed to visual arts at my fine institute

So it would be easy to think of a life where this doubt wouldn't exist.  Where I could be pretentious and spout that yes this photograph is not merely a picture of a moment in time but an achievement of substantial proportions.  If only to be rich and naive to everything and fund a movie to which I am the star.

I never did grow up on that side of town.