forget prose

Ive literally written this one post four times now. I have this tendency to overwrite myself.

Its funny how everything meshes together when it becomes routine. Time, places, events, people, they all just become a blur. A systematic casuality to my own personal clusterfuck of a life.

If i were to explain the situation that im in at the current moment i doubt many of you would even consider it a possibility. Surely a plot more convoluted then a hollywood film under the guise of independent roots couldnt possibly exist. And yet somehow my life continues to defy all logic with the circumstances i find myself a part of.

Seemingly my life works in a cyclical nature that is constantly building on itself; sort of like a katamari. Somehow even people fall into this cycle, with new ones replacing and adding on to the previously left groundwork. Its frightening when you find yourself in the same situation with a different person. The words echo and consume you in a dizzy spell as you wonder how such repetition can occur between two people who will never meet eachother. And although the outcome is prearranged you always find yourself with some semblance of hope.

Its times like these i just have to remind myself that winning is not in the cards. As much as i dont want to follow protocal I know that for my own well being maybe I have to. Perhaps its really time to throw this one away and pretend they meant nothing to me.

Its just a photo with bad composition. Right place, wrong moment to click the shutter.

affinity. affluence. infinity.

I wonder what it is that causes me to sway back and forth so rapidly. At this point im quite positive its not the wind, the aluminum enclosures of this house dampen its blow.

The chugging strum of the guitar resonates with me. Damp, distorted, slow. The mix focuses heavily to the right with the infrequent bass line coming in and out of focus.

How long can I keep up the charade? If I wasnt so stuck in thought there would be a list created, then again I've never been the type to resort to lists. Bullets maybe, but never lists.

never has the title been more meaningful

There never was a chance for it to really occur. It was merely a farce clothed in good intentions and lofty ideals. He sat there starring blankly into the glow of the monitor wondering exactly what outcome he thought would occur. Perhaps a storybook ending laced with silver screen ideals. That’s not for him though, it was foolish to retreat from the truth in the first place.

As a child I used to keep a close reign on my inner most thoughts. Childhood secrets of love and life for my eyes only. Holding tightly and dearly to each one, as if just the act of longing would magically make things come into fruition. They never did.

And they never will.

for continuity; da

Its been awhile since we have had any sort of discourse. Honestly I was hoping you would miss my trivial chatter and wonder where I was, but obviously that’s not happening. I was also hoping for other things regarding others but well theres a reason I used hope and not expect.

So where do I begin. Where do I ever begin is a better question. Is it all an idea that ive come to chase or could it ever manifest itself as being real. I guess that’s the real purpose of all our correspondence, the more I can verbalize it the more in theory I can understand. Although im finding that it seems regardless of how much I actually put to paper the question always stays the same shade of teal.

Perhaps the whole problem reveals itself in the fact that I doubt you ever see this changing. Can you even imagine a time where all these sort of letters would not exist? I think they call that happiness, but im perpetually wrong so who really knows.

I told myself I would wait a week, as if some sort of predetermined amount of time would make things change. A fleeting hope followed on the advice of a few people. It sounded like a grand idea on paper. Sometimes those sorts of things just get pushed to the side while things are taken care of, however, I could never quite follow that rationale. So Thursday came and went and I let the silence continue. Each time telling myself maybe tomorrow around the afternoon, that would be an excellent time to attempt.

At some point though it finally clicked. It wasn’t anything but my foolishness leading me to continue pondering scenarios where silence did not actually equate to being deafening. Clearly it is over and I think I have finally come to terms that its not due to friends or paradoxes or german motor cars. When it comes down to it im just not [adjective] enough.

Its sad that a diagram is necessary for most to even grasp considering how convoluted I make it all out to be. I guess its my own fault for continuing to prolong each shimmer of hope. Tomorrow around the afternoon probably isn’t a good idea afterall.

but i dont know how shoot a machete

You could be about anything but it doesn’t quite matter when you get down to it, I would never get that far.

I cocked my head a little bit the other day at the notion that others could possibly perceive and understand what goes through my mind. Its easy to separate people or in this case friends into various categories on what they may or may not think about me, at least this was how i felt for a good while. Out of practicality I think I will spare you the details, however, its worth mentioning that maybe its not quite as cut and dry as I once thought. I have a feeling that more people understand how dire a scenario can be without leading on. Or perhaps the proper wording of that last sentence should read, i am nowhere as good at making pretend then i really like to think.

---

You’re so hot, good thing you’re cold. Sometimes I wonder if the way I perceive things are to blame for my ‘mishaps.’ Perhaps its like seeing an image in those magic eye books except there really isn’t an image to be seen on page one.

The only proof I have to not being absolutely crazy and in the wrong in my perception is the complete and utter confusion I cause to others when it is brought to their attention. Never has there been a scenario where a heartfelt confrontation has occurred, gingerly skirting over the issue without causing complete pain. Always quite the opposite; encouragement to the point beyond hope, nearly fact. Of course theres always the turning point where utter confusion sets in. The point that I always know is coming and almost just wait for. The one that baffles everyone around me except myself.

You think I’d learn my lesson for once and yet here I am combining two into one. Its hard to believe that math was one of my strong points when all I do is look the other way at the clear equation.

a resignation was not given so why did you expect me to leave

if you want im sure this delightful page can be replenished.

intellectual discourse

So like usual most of my professors seem to have some sort of bizarre love for me.  Case in point last class, a theory class in the realm of the photo, i had not read the readings due for the day.  So instead of participating in the grueling banter i chose to take refuge in my mind as i quarreled each point the others brought up.  I also developed an idea for a future installation but that is not here nor there.  

On this particular day i had to stay at the end since i had to give a synopsis for a presentation i gave while said professor was not in class.  She turns to me and asks "was the conversation today redundant for you?"  Now this could be read as a condescending question pertaining to my inability to vocalize and be filled with disdain.  No this question was posed in quite the opposite manner.  It was in the apologetic manner that is usually reserved for perhaps a grad student or a visiting artist.  I then rattled off my rationale which broke down to the argument itself being flawed and she seemed to agree with me.  She then proceeded to tell me to pick up the visual reader a book on the grad level, but she believes it would be beneficial for me to read.

Bizarre.  My collegiate career has been filled with these sort of over the top theories of grandeur pertaining to myself and my work.  Its a hard thing to get a handle of when you have graduate students come up to you and tell you your work is compelling and great.  The facade is a beautiful thing, everyone should try one.