Wear the mask you were born with

Can you buy happiness or is that too lofty of a goal for any one person to achieve.  Perhaps it can be achieved and we are all just not privy to the amount it takes to truly relish in such glory.  At what price does the veil of happiness take its toll?

People have tried to evade sadness for countless years. These were evidently the people who set up shop in the mythical land of Piermont.  Just when I thought the tales of such a place couldn't top its on tales, I was proven very wrong.

A rich community coveting their beautiful houses and property that sits perched above a beautiful river front.  Almost like a sickness the people who continue to affirm their place in such a community do so with steady strides towards keeping their sanctuary the same for many generations.  Instilled in their children is a sense of pride, but not in the moral sense of knowing right from wrong and appreciating, no they are brought up to revel in their own glory.  You are only worthy if you grow up there, these are the type of people who cannot coexist with someone of my upbringing without them letting their presence known.  

They are always correct, they are full of themselves, they are true assholes.  Obviously someone who isn't them cannot ever dream to achieve or lavish in the glory that is their own life.  They are the rich, the proud, the ones who break the rules and slyly con it on the lesser.

But there is always a catch, a price for their vanity.  And it seems steep and outrageous to say but they lack their souls.  

They care not for their neighbors, why would they, not one of them is enough to ruin their perfect existence as long as it exists in some sort of form.  No there is no mourning for those who pass away.  When such an occurrence occurs there is no reminiscing, they are merely written off in one line as if they were part of a J.K. Rowling novel. 

They seemingly lose their importance and place in such a community the minute they die.  Their families do not mourn or take solace in their empty homes for some private moments and reflection.  They merely continue on with their life as if nothing had changed, the school bus is still caught the next day and their nails are still done as they would any third Tuesday of the month.  Throwing more money at their own pursuit of happiness.

Their so called happiness is hollow just like you.  The truly sad thing is that maybe they have the right idea.

recital for one

Evidently theres not much worthwhile to say.

I guess the true question that has been risen is not one of knowledge but of heart.  Would things be differently if this summer had not started the way that it did.  The welcome home that wasn't quite as common as was expected.  The immediate push into Piermont with the relentless pull that was too strong for it to be coincidental.

It would be too easy to say that things would be vastly different had the beginning been altered.  No I am not that naive to think that one event managed to not tarnish, but continue the perpetual cycle.  Or did it not matter.  Was I truly expecting anything to be different, perhaps dream for once?  

The truth is that I was never expecting anything to change. Phase two of my yearly cycle was beginning and as usual I had been prepping myself back into that mindset.  Gone were the nights of friends and looming thoughts of attempts failed.  No those get shelved for phase two for the only thing that can exist during this period of time is longing and fear.  A longing for the place that I normally despise.  

The mind is truly an amazing thing that I try to comprehend yet still lack any true understanding.  At one time I will hate and loathe upstate ny.  Their lack of white castle coupled with their insistence on things being named differently always leaves a sour taste in my mouth.  During phase one it is merely a place where I continue to follow my own mistakes while always attempting to 'start a new.'  Pitiful as always.  As the months pass by and the nightmares subside things continue to get darker.  Like clouds gathering for an impending storm I know whats coming and yet no weather balloon like action can seem to stop the inevitable.  I'll hate this place and curse the people who have made me look and regret at who i still am at heart.  Ill yearn for phase two regardless that I'll never truly admit such a thing.  

And then the shift occurs, however unlike usual the transition was not met with any sort of continuity in past years.

But was this truly the event that made things continue to loop without cease?  I am not sure Ill ever be able to affirm with any sort of passion either way on this matter.

Regardless the realization resonates.  I lost a love I'll never have again.

texting a ten word letter

Piermont my muse.  As I sit here piecing together all of the moments from yesterday while discussing my future plans or lack there of with a sixteen year old, i am just not sure how i got to this point exactly.  To say that this summer has been unconventional so far would be an understatement of sorts. 

colour with a u

16. 18. 17.

jail. pseudo ok. pretty sure still jail.

thanks Piermont!

kudos or kayaks; a lesson in stalking

Oh Piermont how you never cease to amaze me.  It seems that the more time I spend there the more oddities seem to emerge.  Who would have thought I would become privy to a tale about not just some internet stalking but full blown im in your bushes watching you live stalking.

Now I as I assume many are guilty of the nefarious but always fun and time consuming past time of estalking.  I cannot claim to be of the highest of calibre; that title is held by a dear friend of mine, never the less I know my way around the internet.  Give me a persons name and im sure to find some sort of connection...usually.

Estalking is all good and fun especially since it is blatantly one sided.  As long as you follow the 'guidelines' and don't cross any boundaries, ie no telling the person you have seen them in their bikini etc, then no harm no foul!  Everyone is happy, one side finding the needed information to fuel the drive for more, the other living blissfully unaware of the evils that happens on the internets.

But no this is just too easy and I guess groundbreaking for some.  These people prefer to keep it old school and stay faithful to their craft.  These are the people who hide in your bushes, but not to steal your internets oh no to watch you undress.

This is apparently the very calibre of people who exist in Piermont.  People or in this case a person who refuses to take no or get the hell out of here as an answer.  No this is just the vindication they need to persevere because dammit they know they will one day win.  Hiding in the bushes seems almost trivial when you become aware that this is the same person who has not only sent verbose love letters to his desires place of work but follows the person around and cuts their food for them.  Yes that is correct cuts their dinner for them, as a nurturing mother would do to their infant this man finds the need to completely baby his infatuation.  Ever so charming and suave.

Diva week.  Is it a vh1 special or another viacom related production. No.  It is the name of the week devoted to his 'love' where he proceeded to give presents every day for a week.  

The point of this entry which seems to be lacking one is that how do these sorts of people exist.  And at what point do we have to place our blame not on the sad soul who lies about living with his mother, but the love interest who continues to perpetuate his advances.  Ive been told that she has been forward with the gentleman but if you really wanted it to stop I feel like you would try just a bit harder instead of toying with someone and their very essence.

I guess when you are rich you can toy with anyone you want.

Impromptu trips to texas

It's quite interesting the lives that people live.  Granted I am not the best judge of things of these matters considering this pertains to people who live in an area that I'm unfamiliar with.  I thought that area was Piermont but I've since learned the error of my ways considering Piermont is no bigger then the one strip of street in which you enter it from.  Somehow on the way it shifts regions into Grandview or is it Nyack; regardless this is where the rich live.  The ridiculous fancy rich whose houses have vast pieces of land with grand views of the hudson and in some cases waterfront pieces of land.  Granted a waterfront property located on the Hudson river is not quite the best idea for those who dream of  cabanas and a quick swim since to put it kindly the river is as dirty as jersey.  

These are the type of people who have houses in long island in conjunction with their lavish homes just cause.  I have never truly understood the idea of a summer home especially when the difference of locale is a scant one hour.  Is the need to be on sand and salty water so much that a trip there and back to your home would be too draining or not enough.  Must days be spent soaking up the sun.  Or is it more of the gloating that comes with saying 'oh I'm going to be away at our summer home for the month...on long island.'  

It is easy to judge people when you only know the bare minimum about them.  Just as it makes it easier to be jealous.  Jealous not of their riches or their life sized cut outs of paris hilton and nicole richie but jealous of their freedom.  Usually people of the wealthy sort seem to appreciate things such as art and the like more freely.  I guess this would stem from them being bored and wanting to throw their money at something in order to create something that is in their mind worth substance and shows just how dedicated and hard working they can be. Its this freedom in that maybe in that sort of scenario, going to school and coming out with piece of paper that boldly states art* wouldn't bother me as much as it does now.  For the most part my choice is accepted but I still have my own personal doubts.  Personal doubts in that I know this is not truly what I will end up doing and that that piece of paper will not be a sigh of relief or an ends to a mean.  

*now renamed to visual arts at my fine institute

So it would be easy to think of a life where this doubt wouldn't exist.  Where I could be pretentious and spout that yes this photograph is not merely a picture of a moment in time but an achievement of substantial proportions.  If only to be rich and naive to everything and fund a movie to which I am the star.

I never did grow up on that side of town.