recital for one

Evidently theres not much worthwhile to say.

I guess the true question that has been risen is not one of knowledge but of heart.  Would things be differently if this summer had not started the way that it did.  The welcome home that wasn't quite as common as was expected.  The immediate push into Piermont with the relentless pull that was too strong for it to be coincidental.

It would be too easy to say that things would be vastly different had the beginning been altered.  No I am not that naive to think that one event managed to not tarnish, but continue the perpetual cycle.  Or did it not matter.  Was I truly expecting anything to be different, perhaps dream for once?  

The truth is that I was never expecting anything to change. Phase two of my yearly cycle was beginning and as usual I had been prepping myself back into that mindset.  Gone were the nights of friends and looming thoughts of attempts failed.  No those get shelved for phase two for the only thing that can exist during this period of time is longing and fear.  A longing for the place that I normally despise.  

The mind is truly an amazing thing that I try to comprehend yet still lack any true understanding.  At one time I will hate and loathe upstate ny.  Their lack of white castle coupled with their insistence on things being named differently always leaves a sour taste in my mouth.  During phase one it is merely a place where I continue to follow my own mistakes while always attempting to 'start a new.'  Pitiful as always.  As the months pass by and the nightmares subside things continue to get darker.  Like clouds gathering for an impending storm I know whats coming and yet no weather balloon like action can seem to stop the inevitable.  I'll hate this place and curse the people who have made me look and regret at who i still am at heart.  Ill yearn for phase two regardless that I'll never truly admit such a thing.  

And then the shift occurs, however unlike usual the transition was not met with any sort of continuity in past years.

But was this truly the event that made things continue to loop without cease?  I am not sure Ill ever be able to affirm with any sort of passion either way on this matter.

Regardless the realization resonates.  I lost a love I'll never have again.